i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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