The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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