Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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