i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
