Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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