I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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