I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
