I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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