i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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