i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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