you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
