How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
