I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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