Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
