I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
