went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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