i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
