If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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