My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I believe in your delicious
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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