Fine. I'll sleep in my office
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
