when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
