i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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