I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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