All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
