Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
