i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
