So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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