We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
