Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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