He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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