oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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