Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
