this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
