I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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