Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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