I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize