I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
