you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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