I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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