you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As shirtless as possible
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
