he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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