im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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