It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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