Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
