Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
