I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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