i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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