Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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