i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
