So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
