Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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