About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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