just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
