I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
