If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
