You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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